So What!?

6 - Healthy Communication

Even the happiest marriage (not claiming that is us) has frustrations, disagreements, and occasionally all out epic battles.  We've all said mean and hurtful things that we regret; even the most balanced people have at some point in the heat of passion, reacted exclusively on emotions or solely on facts; but happy couples figure out mature and healthy ways to communicate:

Communication Styles to Avoid:	Communication Styles to Consider:
using plates like a Frisbee swearing like a sailor slamming doors crying or yelling arguing with an audience (especially the kids) giving the cold shoulder throwing things (especially punches)	writing lists of pros and cons holding hands while talking taking the alternate position (just to see how it goes) talking in a public place while enjoying a meal walking / hiking while talking break from the topic to think (but not for too long)

There are a million books and talk shows and sitcoms that give advice on various communication.  Some people like a straightforward approach, others need calm details, and since this is a bloggette, I’ll try to keep advice to the minimum (ha!) and hopefully things mostly universal:

Sugar Magnolia

5 - Be Grateful

So if your musical taste doesn't include The Grateful Dead (I’m not judging, you would be the minority for my blog demographic), I will give a quick summary of Sugar Magnolia… There were so many old songs to choose from (close runner up was The Band – Up on Cripple Creek) but this song is basically a hippy bragging about his woman… it is a list of all of these random things about her that he appreciates (including that her head is a little empty):  She can dance to Cajun rhythm, she can wade in a drop of dew (whatever that means?), she pays his ticket when he speeds, she waits backstage while he sings, basically, in his mind, she is all he could ever need, the chorus is that she could make happy any man alive…  personally, I just have to laugh if I think Bob Dole with that kind of woman.  I don't think he would have a clue what to do with her (maybe he has another side?!)… but it is just sweet that this hippy feels so lucky with what some might find relatively useless (and potentially unhealthy) skills and traits.

Magic Carpet Ride

4 - Clean Your Room!
(did you just have flashbacks of your mother? sorry! I know I did!)

The Magic Carpet Ride Master Bedroom is admittedly a stretch but I love the song (even though Steppenwolf is a little trippy) and the “master bedroom" is an incredible and sacred place.  It doesn't need to be the grandest room in the house, have a professionally designed bedroom set, including an organza canopy bed with a chandelier, permanent rose petals in the shape of a heart, or Egyptian sheets (unless you can afford them-- then go for it!) but a Master Bedroom probably NOT have: 

• half-finished projects
• dusty treadmills and stationary bikes
• piles of bills or mail
• ugly, faded, or peeling paint
• kids “artwork” or toys
• drawers and closets that can’t be opened without necessitating the jaws of life
• a mess of piles of laundry and ironing
• ripped sheets or flat pillows or stained comforters
• cobwebs, tumbleweeds, litter boxes, landfills, or black holes
• shoes in tripping locations 

Because the MB isn't often seen by the general public, it can easily become an accidental dumping ground for everything homeless or misplaced.  It isn't about having a perfectly immaculate Master Bedroom, it is about what makes you as a couple feel like you've escaped-- together.  It probably won't even take a lot of money or time, just rearrange some of the stuff you already have (or maybe a quick trip to the Thrift Shop).  Every couple is different on what makes an area a retreat, an oasis from the world (or the kids), but here are some thoughts:

DANCE DANCE DANCE

3 - Keep Dating (each other)

Ska Fest was one of our all time favorite dates.  Who would have guessed?
This band was Tequila Mockingbird - clever name and they rocked

Most likely, even if you don't embrace all the sappy commercialized Hallmarky V-day traditions (we certainly don't), you are going on a date at some point this weekend ---BUT consider starting a habit of regularly dating (each other) --every week if you are really lucky and can pull it off!  It doesn't need to be a Date Night style all-nighter on a crowded weekend or include an exhausting after-hours clubin’ dance-off.  The dates don't all need to be expensive or elaborate or epic.  It just needs to be some consciously dedicated adult / couple time; a walk, or a trip to Costco, or even feeding the kids frozen pizza (and maybe a touch of Benadryl*) in front of movie while you sneak to a quiet corner of the house with a candle and some take-out (filled with adult-friendly bogus vegetables that are floating in a green algae looking sauce).  

It is healthy for couples to remember the kind of people they were before being parents, for them to talk/listen without interruption, eat their own food (slowly), have adult fun, and going on dates helps maintain that shared bond only created by experiences and memories together.  Honestly, it is really good for the kids to see their parents making each other a priority.  Besides, someday, the kids will grow up and move out (if you do things right).  This stage with small children feels long but is relatively short in the scope of life, it isn't worth neglecting the long-term relationship that you both chose; ideally, after these refreshers, everyone comes back more patient and relaxed-- ready to be better parents.

As young parental units, we are most often exhausted and crave peace but don’t let marriage dates become too humdrum.  Try to plan at least some of these dates to be legendary experiences.  It is comfortable, safe, and easy to frequent your favorite place, a local chain, a movie, or stay on the couch with a Red Box, but it can get predictable and frankly, boring; it never hurts to mix things up and add to the story of your lives together: 

Something in the Way She Moves

2 - Getting Your Flirt Back On

Flirting is the gentle art of making someone feel pleased with themselves -- Helen Rowland

Getting your flirt back on means that you might need to rewind a bit in your memory, preferably not all the way back to the middle school era (stealing  pencils, frivolous hair flipping, and hip checking each other into lockers are not terribly effective ways to make someone feel special), but remember how you acted when you wanted nothing more than to impress someone?  Your now partner?! You want to show your absolute best side and make them feel special; start with cleaning up and taking care of yourself.  This doesn't necessarily mean squeezing into your chic clothes or buying something new, in fact, it isn't really about how you look at all, but more about how you act and feel and make your partner feel.  Never-the-less, try to do the best you can with what you have at this stage of life (for me it is my nice yoga pants)