Better Together

9 - Emotional Intimacy & Individuality

We found these two trees while hiking in the mountains of Washington state.  They are by far the largest trees on this particular hike and reside on a bed of rocks at a very aggressive mountain stream.  A plaque told us that the entire forest was burnt to the ground at one point (a hundred years ago) but these two trees remained because of how close they were together and how close they were to water.   These trees were better and stronger together than apart.  

I don't really want to turn this into a sermon illustration, but every couple needs their own traditions, routines, and habits to form a strong emotional relationship that can withstand what the world will throw at it:

• Shows always watched together
• Friday Night Dates (with genuine listening & talking)
• Adventures together
• Certain sporting events or movies or games or concerts
• Family or charity work or projects
• Square Dancing, bowling, cards, or softball
• Breakfast at Tiffany's

These things give couples common ground and consistency but here is where this particular blogette becomes less about marriage and more about life.  I love how these particular trees garner strength as they grow side by side rather than entwined completely.  It is probably a little tricky to give each other encouragement and support, to grow side by side, but yet not grow apart (or choke each other) as each tries to reach for the sun and the water.  

Let's Spend the Night Together

8 - Physical Intimacy

(it isn't just for the weekend anymore)

At this point, if you haven't full on decided that marriage is just too much work (you shouldn't, these are just little suggestions to add from time to time -- personally, I wish someone would write one of these on how to groom ones-self as I have never really gotten past the shower / comb my hair step) and you are still reading, you are saying to yourself, "Kelly, this is all fine (albeit sappy and borderline sentimental), and I can see how it would make for a happier marriage but it will lead to... ideas.  And quite frankly, I am WAY too tired and stretched for any extra intimacy..."

Message in a Bottle

7 - Notes & Texting & IM

One tiny crazy little note can make someone feel special all day.  My DH taught me this a long long time ago; I have a box of them.  They would be passed to me from other people, I'd find them in my daily planners (which I carried everywhere), on a pizza box left in my car on days I worked late, mailed to my dorm room, stuck to the mirror / the fridge / the coffee maker, but it is much easier now a days...

The old-fashioned note is still sweet and endearing but occasional witty texts are wonderful and so simple.  Texting is life-changing and practical for orchestrating busy lives or who will pick up dinner/the carpool but it is just fun to send quick messages during the day (or even when together but at different ends of a party).  They don't need to be long or deep or symbolic.  It doesn't need to be a hundred times a day, just an occasional reminder that you are thinking of them:

So What!?

6 - Healthy Communication

Even the happiest marriage (not claiming that is us) has frustrations, disagreements, and occasionally all out epic battles.  We've all said mean and hurtful things that we regret; even the most balanced people have at some point in the heat of passion, reacted exclusively on emotions or solely on facts; but happy couples figure out mature and healthy ways to communicate:

Communication Styles to Avoid:	Communication Styles to Consider:
using plates like a Frisbee swearing like a sailor slamming doors crying or yelling arguing with an audience (especially the kids) giving the cold shoulder throwing things (especially punches)	writing lists of pros and cons holding hands while talking taking the alternate position (just to see how it goes) talking in a public place while enjoying a meal walking / hiking while talking break from the topic to think (but not for too long)

There are a million books and talk shows and sitcoms that give advice on various communication.  Some people like a straightforward approach, others need calm details, and since this is a bloggette, I’ll try to keep advice to the minimum (ha!) and hopefully things mostly universal:

Sugar Magnolia

5 - Be Grateful

So if your musical taste doesn't include The Grateful Dead (I’m not judging, you would be the minority for my blog demographic), I will give a quick summary of Sugar Magnolia… There were so many old songs to choose from (close runner up was The Band – Up on Cripple Creek) but this song is basically a hippy bragging about his woman… it is a list of all of these random things about her that he appreciates (including that her head is a little empty):  She can dance to Cajun rhythm, she can wade in a drop of dew (whatever that means?), she pays his ticket when he speeds, she waits backstage while he sings, basically, in his mind, she is all he could ever need, the chorus is that she could make happy any man alive…  personally, I just have to laugh if I think Bob Dole with that kind of woman.  I don't think he would have a clue what to do with her (maybe he has another side?!)… but it is just sweet that this hippy feels so lucky with what some might find relatively useless (and potentially unhealthy) skills and traits.